Emmy Loves Wine

“Hello, I’m Emily and I’ll somewhat be taking care of you today”…

As someone who has been waiting tables for a WHILE I have lost that lovin’ feeling when it comes to the restaurant business. Of course, I guess you could say I always hated being a “food bitch” for the American public.

Recently, I noticed that waitresses who have only been employed with the company (that I work for) for a couple weeks were already training new employees. Despite the fact that I have been working for the company for over two years I was not asked to train new employees. Instead, my superiors trusted the waitresses who still ask questions during their shift to train new servers.

 

 When I asked if I could train new employees my managers and fellow employees responded with a “NO!” in unison.

 

 Hey man, that’s cool. I guess everyone’s worried that I’d say something inappropriate to the trainees, but they’re wrong! In fact, I created a sample of how I would train new waitresses/waiters at my job. And now I give you…..

 

 

So You Want to be a Waitress….

 

Lesson # 1

Get out while you still can: Listen, its not to late to run. You can still walk out the door, and never look back. Before you get addicted to the instant cash, and before people are able to strip you of your dignity all because you forgot their side of coleslaw. Before you this place makes you wish you were never born, and you sell your soul to company that wouldn’t care if your best friend and dog died on the same day. If you decide to walk out that door, not only will I not blame you, but I will come up with one hell of an alibi.

 

 

Lesson #2

Be prepared to put on a happy face no matter what!: This is the deal. The general public does not care about you. They are hungry, and they want service with a smile. Your smile doesn’t need to be sincere, but present it must be. So imagine that every customer has the phrase “Why so serious?” plastered on their forehead. This means that whether your depressed, your gerbil died in an unforeseen accident, or you just don’t want to live anymore the general public does not give a shit. As server it is now your responsibility to provide people with a false sense of security, and that means service with a smile. *Pukes*

 

Lesson #3

Details are for suckers who don’t know how to manage their time: So your customer wants a lemon in their water? Pssh. They’ll have to ask for that lemon. Furthermore, they’ll have to ask what “Today’s Special” is. As a server my time is precious. This isn’t the Ritz, and you get what you pay for. If you got a meal for 8 bucks you should be thrilled your food arrived without razor blades in it, and in a timely manner. I won’t play “Miss Cleo” (Former faux Jamaican psychic) with the customers. Got a question? Want some mayonnaise? Grow a pair and ask for it.

 

Lesson # 4

Sidework is for people without social lives: Every server is stuck with the daunting task of painstaking sidework that takes forever, and makes you miss last call at the bar. Fuck that. There’s way to get around extra work. Figure it out.

 

Lesson #5

People act like every meal is their last: Be prepared to be sat with some fat slob who acts like they just got out of Auschwitz. “I’m so starving” has been uttered by people who could probably feed a small country with the fat of their fore arm.

 

Quick Fix Solutions to Restaurant Bullshit:

 

The problem: Inconsiderate jerk keeps sucking down sodas which causes you to run a marathon in order to keep up with their refills.

The solution: When someone is sucking their soda faster down faster than Jenna Jameson hopped up on aderhol they don’t get another refill until the almost the end of their meal. Sucky McSuck will have a better chance of getting a drink in a desert than from yours truly.

 

The Problem: You forgot to put the food order in for a table. Customers are pissed.

The Solution: Blame everyone, but yourself. Blame the cooks, the manager, the girl in the section next to you. Hell, blame God if you have to, but you are never to blame. People just want to assign blame to something or someone. Give them someone to blame other than you, and you’ll still get a tip.

 

The Problem: You hate waiting tables. You now hate people, but are stuck in this shit hole of a job (that will never get better by the way) because your in debt up to your ass, and your addicted to the money.

The Solution: Drinking a lot, winning the lottery, inheriting money from a newly deceased rich relative, and going to college and graduating in a degree that doesn’t end in “art” , “film”, or “design”.

 

With all my restaurant knowledge I can’t believe my superiors won’t let me train anyone. Oh well, I can still refer the new employees to my website.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 17th, 2009 at 12:03 am and is filed under Oh My Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.