Emmy Loves Wine

Before the economy sucked I had a job. In fact, I had 10 of em’!

As writer and a former resident of South Jersey I have spent a decent amount of time working menial jobs. I’ve done things for money that no one should have to say out loud. That’s why I’ve compiled a list of my worst jobs and their most endearing qualities. Enjoy, and be glad you weren’t me.

 

 

Hudock’s Burger Stand

 

Worst job ever. Slaving over a grill when I could barely microwave a bowl of soup was not a smart career move on my part. Two weeks after this bullshit started, it ended. I blew the job off, and my mom said it was okay as long as I learned my lesson about working.

 

Career Highlight:

 

* Learning I couldn’t leave five minutes early even though my mom was already there to pick me up! 

 

 

Happy Harry’s Discount Drugs

 

       It takes a special person to wear a teal vest, and push buttons on cash register for store that receives about three customers per hour. For one year that special person was me. Stocking shelves as my eyes learned to adjust to florescent lighting, and resisting the urge to make inappropriate announcements over the intercom was my lot in life.

 

Career Highlight: Selling my teal vest in my “Priceless Items for Free” yard sale.

 

The Pennsville Diner

 

    Remember that movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”? Remember that lovable Greek Family that ran that diner? Well, I’m pretty sure the Greeks I worked for were that lovable family’s Satanic counterparts. Also, I learned how hair ends up in your food, and how shitty and cheap people can be to kid who was just trying to make a buck! My boss, or someone who appeared to be in charge would sit on a crate smoking cigarettes waiting for orders to come in. His arms looked like Big Foot’s legs, and thanks to him I served shit load of hairy eggs that summer.

My coworkers were two girls who a little older than me. One was a girl I went to elementary school with. She hated me, and rolled her eyes at me in front of customers. The other girl had a DUI and deeply missed her former days at Red Lobster. I was very excited about starting community college in the fall (yes, my life was that depressing), and she had the motivation of a dead frog in a shallow pond. 

 

 

 

Career Highlight: 

 

*One time while waiting on a table of four women I refilled all their iced teas. However, when I came back with their iced teas I realized I didn’t remember which glass was belonged to each lady. I passed back the glasses of Russian Roulette to the four women. The looks on their faces were priceless because they realized they were all going to drinking each other’s backwash. Whoops.

 

*Working with a waitress named Darlene whose daughter was thrilled to have gotten knocked up as a teenager, and then became a stripper. Her daughter would come in, and I would always think “That’s all you have to look like to strip? I should be doing that.”

 

*Being asked if I could read and write before being given the marker to write the specials on the board.

 

Cracker Barrel

 

Spilling hot grits on my hand, and feel the scalding splash of coffee soak my Amish boy button up shirt as I carried coffee pots on trays(as required by the company) to tables was just one of the benefits to this craptackular job. That and wearing a brown an apron which displayed my name with one star (I never got more than one star) and being treated worse than a pig in a slaughterhouse was all pretty memorable and life changing at the same time.

 

Career Highlights:

 

• The company’s modo was “Pleasing People”. So I wrote “Pleasing People Sucks” on the white erase board. Management was pissed and called an emergency meeting where they demanded to know who wrote the statement on the board. I shook with laughter as everyone else tried their best to look as if they gave a shit.

 

• Meeting one of my best bud’s, Maria!

 

• Working every weekend , and missing any possibility of fun.

 

Cassella’s Italian Restaurant

 

My three day stint as a waitress in this poorly run restaurant ended with me coming into work to find that they had been taken over my new management. I left, got a crab cake lunch, put five bucks in my gas tank, and went home.

 

Career Highlight:

 

*Years later finding out that the manager who hired me for that job was being chased by the Russian mob.

 

Texas Roadhouse

 

Nothing like a center cut piece of cow next to a plate of cheese fries and a beer! I made decent bank, but being forced to line dance periodically during every shift was almost too much for me to bear. Mainly, because no one really wanted to teach me how to actually do the dances.

 

Career Highlights:

 

• Being arrested for trespassing with one of my co workers.

 

• Being a social outcast.

 

• Being banned from the company for being “below average”.

 

Growing Family Portraits

 

Selling baby pictures in Atlantic City seems like a risky business venture because…well…it is. The streets of Atlantic City are not meant for little blonde girls who don’t carry guns or drink alcohol on a regular basis. I made a lot of money, and mismanaged every dollar. The job lasted two months.

 

Career Highlights:

 

• Spilling Corona on my company laptop.

 

• Being stuck at a customer’s house for over SIX hours as she analyzed EVERY picture  of her son. Apparently, he was a miracle baby because she was not supposed to be able to have children. The only miracle will be if that child doesn’t end up hating his mom so much that he becomes a serial killer.

 

• Trying to sell pictures of one mom’s baby who was cross eyed and screaming in EVERY picture. 

 

Apple-bees

 

 Two weeks of training, two free meals, and a hundred dollar paycheck. Then I quit before I even worked one real shift.

 

Career Highlights:

 

• That burger and onion peels was YUMMY!

 

 

 

Peebles

 

Meaningless retail job with the most hideous over priced clothes I’ve seen since Dress Barn.

 

Career Highlights:

 

• Being complimented on my adorable outfit from random old lady.

 

Cheeseburger in Paradise

 

Where do I begin? I’ve slung cheeseburgers at this place for a hot minute. I’ve met some cool peeps here, no lie. And while serving has been the bain of my existence since I was old enough to drive I’ve had some good times in that place. I wish I could tell you all the crazy things I’ve done at this job, but technically I’m still employed there so for now I must keep my mouth shut.

 

 

Career Highlights:

 

• Vannak’s (co-worker) parties complete with kegs and walk of shame the next morning on one of the coldest days of the year.

 

• Shaking my hips in an awkward fashion every time we sang the birthday song to a table.

 

• Nikki’s sex stories.

 

• Shay dropping it like it was on fire every shift.

 

• Meeting Brandi, and being given the celeb couple nickname “Brem” because of our bff-ness.

 

• Goin’ clubbn’ with the whole crew, and my L-izzle for rizzle my shizzle.

 

* I’d love to say more, but can’t at this time.

 

 

And there you have it. My “career” up until today. BTW…I’m currently looking for a job. Contact me if your looking for bright new employees!

This entry was posted on Monday, June 22nd, 2009 at 7:09 pm and is filed under Oh My Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.