Emmy Loves Wine

Archive for October, 2009

Five Ways to Torture Your Boyfriend with a Movie You Probably Love.

Let’s play a game called “Emily’s had 2 glasses of wine, and she’s feeling sassy”. That being said, I want to address a movie which has made my life harder as a girl.

The Notebook.

Spare me, the extra energy of having to write a synopsis of The Notebook. Almost everybody, and their mother has been forced to watch this movie. If you don’t know what the movie is about then you can do something that starts with a “Goo” and ends with an “gle”.

Chock full of mushy gushy crap this movie had me at hello. “The Notebook” will be the movie that all girls force the boyfriends to watch for the rest of eternity.

Girls want to believe that their boyfriends will be as faithful, and persistent as Noah (main character), and even if they don’t have a lot of money they can build you a huge house out of matchsticks, and then you can have your own room where you paint and eat pancakes all day.

To which I say, “yeah, yeah, go fuck yourself”.

However, I am a girl. I was totally born with a uterus and other girl parts. So of course, I’ve watched “The notebook” a ga-gillion times, and internally sighed as I wondered if I would ever meet someone who didn’t suck.

It should be noted, that I almost always watch this movie when I’m wasted. My brother has walked in on me on more than one occasion while I’ve been stuffing my wasted in face with greasy food and watching The Notebook.

And so because I think that movie is bullshit wrapped in a neat package with a pretty bow. And because I find it quite funny when boys are forced to watch this movie in an effort to get laid. And so, I give you….

Five Ways to Torture Your Boyfriend with “The Notebook”:

5. Love is so great, until some asshole rips your heart out and feeds it to the neighborhood dog. Remember when Noah was like “Oh I’m to poor for you. The social pressure is too much, wahhhh!”, and then he dumped Allie, and she cried over his dumb ass for a year? That was some real ass shit. That’s how love is, minus the over the top reunion on a rowboat. During this part of the movie, start crying and and angrily tell your boyfriend that if he ever ends your relationship abruptly then he better start preparing to face your wrath.

4. While watching this movie you have a huge oppurtunity to force premature commitment on your significant other. Every time something even slightly romantic happens squeal “AWWWWW!” Then give him the googly eyes and propose marriage.

3. Two words. Senior Citizens. Rarely has a movie combined the four letter word known as “love” with so many wrinkles. I usually fast forward the parts that show Allie and Noah in their golden years. But, hey I guess old people have feelings too. Cra–zzzzzy. Every time, the “old” version of the couple appears on screen tell your boyfriend how you can’t wait to age gracefully with him.

2. So when are you gonna build me a dream home like Super-Noah? Badger your boyfriend as to why he hasn’t built you a big white house with blue shutters. Demand accommodations, and let him know that real love always comes in the form of blood, sweat, and tears.

1. Be kind, rewind . Force your boyfriend to watch the movie over and over again until his ears and eyes start to bleed.

Obviously, if you like your boyfriend you’ll only do half of the suggestions on the list.

But if your looking to dump some extra baggage (aka the someone formally known as special)or if your boyfriend has an excellent sense of humor and has recently has received a back alley lobotomy  then enjoy using the list to test the boundaries of your relationship!

Ok, my sleeping pills are starting to kick in. Sassy time is over and sleepy time is now in full effect.

When I was a kid…

I hate to sound like a grandma here, but when I was a young girl….we didn’t have texting, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, or the IPhone. And if you had a cell phone you were damn lucky or rich. As a teenager I wasn’t constantly connected to the outside world. Moreover, the nature of romantic relationships my peers engaged in were not solidified by a “status” on a social networking website.

When I was a kid there was one family computer that everyone shared. There were a few exciting things you could do online. Send emails, send e-cards, or go on Ebay.

If my friend’s wanted to get a hold of me they called my house phone, and asked my parents to speak to me. If I wasn’t home then they couldn’t find me. There was no Facebook or Twitter status to establish my whereabouts. No cell phone number where I could be reached. The communication train started and ended with my home telephone.

Almost every time I log into my Facebook account I see people on my friends list who change their relationship status like underwear, and status updates that let me know all the little details of their love life.

Let’s put it this way,  I know too much about your relationship, marriage, fuck-buddy, and/or random hook up. I know how destroyed you are over that guy who dumped you last week. I know how much you hate being single. I know how pissed you are at your boyfriend right now. I know these things because you told me via the Facebook.

Growing up my friends and family knew what was going on in my life because I did something wild and crazy…I told them face to face. There was no middle man. When my high school boyfriend broke up with me my friends found out because they saw me blubbering like an idiot in the cafeteria NOT because my relationship status changed on my Facebook page.

I love most of the new technology available to us today. I especially love my Ipod touch with all my heart and soul. However, sometimes I miss the days where status, and friends weren’t defined by social networking sites. Back in my day you knew who gave a shit about your life because they took the time walk right up to you, and ask what was up.

This Girl’s Life.

Writer’s Block is a bitch.

What can I say? Sometimes it’s hard to think of topics to complain about. However, something pissed me off today, and I realized that as long as the human race is present in my life I’ll always have something to write/bitch about.

So this is where I fill you in on what I’ve been doing with my semi-precious time for the past couple of months. Let’s see, where do I begin?

How Emmy Spends Her Day:

12:00 PM – Emmy awakens. Her hair resembles a cocker spaniel that has been caught in a wind tunnel, and her breath smells like clams and hot dogs.

12:45 PM – Emmy saunters down to the living room where she checks her Facebook, and E-mail account while she catches up on MTV television.

1:15 PM – Emmy is hungry. She starts her day with two pudding packs. Yum!

2:00 PM – Emmy has finally mustered up enough energy to engage in shower time.

3:00 PM – Emmy can not decide on an outfit, as usual. She gives up, and throws on her default outfit…polka dot stretch jeans paired with her boyfriend’s sweatshirt.

4:00 PM – Emmy eats spagetti O’s for lunch while watching TV.

4: 30 PM – Emmy washes dishes. She’s a team player, after all.

5:00 PM – Emmy lays on bed while flipping back and forth between MTV and the E! Channel. Periodically, she checks her Facebook.

5:30 PM- Emmy eats dinner.

6:15 PM – Emmy trudges off to her retail job dressed all in black.

9:00 PM – Emmy folds sweaters while thinking of her past mistakes.

10: 25 PM – Emmy’s home again! Time for a snack. Aka a trip to Wendy’s. Then she retreats to the couch for more television watching, and/or possibly a SNS game of Super Mario World.

3: 15 AM – Emmy finally goes to sleep. After another long day of dragging her body around, and eating more pudding cups than most preschoolers consume in a year, Emmy is all tuckered out.

Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

So as you can see, I’ve been riddled responsibility , and strenuous tasks that suck through all the time in my day.

Please send any comments, and/or suggestions for new blogs my way.

“Get off your lazy ass” IS a suggestion, but it is not a welcome one.