Emmy Loves Wine

Archive for August, 2009

How A Man Rates You On A Scale Of 1-10 (Written by A Dude)

While there’s a countless amount of literature available for women interested in what really goes on inside a man’s head, I believe that it all ultimately boils down into a relatively simple classification. I’m willing to declassify man’s inner rating system because while women’s insatiable interest in men’s affection is extremely beneficial to men everywhere, the rising amout of self-help-esque dribble is driving me to insanity, and I sincerely hope my brief guide will be the butterfly wings to wreak a hurricane upon said genre.

It’s as simple as 1 through 10. If you’re a heterosexual male looking at you (a woman) you fit into one of these categories. As you can hopefully guess (unless you are, of course, categorized as a 1), the higher the number the greater your mating potential.

10: You have no practical use for this guide. You already make millions of dollars just being you, or having men try to buy your love (physical or emotional). Sorry to waste your time thus far, but I put 10s at the top of the list so you could see my humility, chivalry, and hopefully be so kindly as to sleep with me as a result. That means you, Angelina.

9: You are beautiful, and you know it. Not just because of the amount of affection and attention you are payed, but because deep down you know some glaring character flaws are often ignored due to your physical grace. If you didn’t have them, you’d be a ten. But you do. Yes, I’m calling you out on it, but I think the tens are on my side anyway.

8: You’d be a nine if you didn’t have that birthmark/scar/little bit o’ tub/whatever that naggig fear tha keeps you up at night is. Or, you have an awful personality despite drop dead gorgeous looms. If that’s the case, I hate you. But I’d still sleep with you one time, but not tell anybody.

7: Butterface. That’s all I have to say about that.

6: You look like Pam from The Office, but less funny and with no makeup. But you’d probably make an awesome girlfriend. An look on the bright side- no bag’s needed over your face. Unlike some people- sevens, looking at you.

5: You would make a good Mom, but it’ll be a while before that happens since everyody is just really happy to be your friend.

4: When your physical beauty reaches it’s peak around 18 (give or take a few years), you may feel like your best just isn’t good enough. That’s because it just might not be. You may be compensating by developing a very sweet personality. This is nice, but it is not makeup. Odds are at the bar, there’s you and another four, and one eight. How do you know the eight from the other four? Deep down you dislike her, and she gets all the guys. Also, you two make her look like a nine.

3: What is that shit on your face?

2: Bloated, bitchy, and likely living in a trailer, you may not have it all that bad, so long as you understand the one group that can’t say no to your charm- mulletman. ‘Nuff said.

1. Are those horns? You have no redeeming physical or personal qualities. Quite humanely however, you are most likely completely unaware of the unlikelihood of your finding a mate, since a haze of drugs and bright lights sedate you as you are carted around the world to county fairs where people pay ten cents to see the real live slug lady – half slug, half human – the experience of which haunts the dreams of little girls for years to come.