Emmy Loves Wine

Archive for June, 2009

Before the economy sucked I had a job. In fact, I had 10 of em’!

As writer and a former resident of South Jersey I have spent a decent amount of time working menial jobs. I’ve done things for money that no one should have to say out loud. That’s why I’ve compiled a list of my worst jobs and their most endearing qualities. Enjoy, and be glad you weren’t me.

 

 

Hudock’s Burger Stand

 

Worst job ever. Slaving over a grill when I could barely microwave a bowl of soup was not a smart career move on my part. Two weeks after this bullshit started, it ended. I blew the job off, and my mom said it was okay as long as I learned my lesson about working.

 

Career Highlight:

 

* Learning I couldn’t leave five minutes early even though my mom was already there to pick me up! 

 

 

Happy Harry’s Discount Drugs

 

       It takes a special person to wear a teal vest, and push buttons on cash register for store that receives about three customers per hour. For one year that special person was me. Stocking shelves as my eyes learned to adjust to florescent lighting, and resisting the urge to make inappropriate announcements over the intercom was my lot in life.

 

Career Highlight: Selling my teal vest in my “Priceless Items for Free” yard sale.

 

The Pennsville Diner

 

    Remember that movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”? Remember that lovable Greek Family that ran that diner? Well, I’m pretty sure the Greeks I worked for were that lovable family’s Satanic counterparts. Also, I learned how hair ends up in your food, and how shitty and cheap people can be to kid who was just trying to make a buck! My boss, or someone who appeared to be in charge would sit on a crate smoking cigarettes waiting for orders to come in. His arms looked like Big Foot’s legs, and thanks to him I served shit load of hairy eggs that summer.

My coworkers were two girls who a little older than me. One was a girl I went to elementary school with. She hated me, and rolled her eyes at me in front of customers. The other girl had a DUI and deeply missed her former days at Red Lobster. I was very excited about starting community college in the fall (yes, my life was that depressing), and she had the motivation of a dead frog in a shallow pond. 

 

 

 

Career Highlight: 

 

*One time while waiting on a table of four women I refilled all their iced teas. However, when I came back with their iced teas I realized I didn’t remember which glass was belonged to each lady. I passed back the glasses of Russian Roulette to the four women. The looks on their faces were priceless because they realized they were all going to drinking each other’s backwash. Whoops.

 

*Working with a waitress named Darlene whose daughter was thrilled to have gotten knocked up as a teenager, and then became a stripper. Her daughter would come in, and I would always think “That’s all you have to look like to strip? I should be doing that.”

 

*Being asked if I could read and write before being given the marker to write the specials on the board.

 

Cracker Barrel

 

Spilling hot grits on my hand, and feel the scalding splash of coffee soak my Amish boy button up shirt as I carried coffee pots on trays(as required by the company) to tables was just one of the benefits to this craptackular job. That and wearing a brown an apron which displayed my name with one star (I never got more than one star) and being treated worse than a pig in a slaughterhouse was all pretty memorable and life changing at the same time.

 

Career Highlights:

 

• The company’s modo was “Pleasing People”. So I wrote “Pleasing People Sucks” on the white erase board. Management was pissed and called an emergency meeting where they demanded to know who wrote the statement on the board. I shook with laughter as everyone else tried their best to look as if they gave a shit.

 

• Meeting one of my best bud’s, Maria!

 

• Working every weekend , and missing any possibility of fun.

 

Cassella’s Italian Restaurant

 

My three day stint as a waitress in this poorly run restaurant ended with me coming into work to find that they had been taken over my new management. I left, got a crab cake lunch, put five bucks in my gas tank, and went home.

 

Career Highlight:

 

*Years later finding out that the manager who hired me for that job was being chased by the Russian mob.

 

Texas Roadhouse

 

Nothing like a center cut piece of cow next to a plate of cheese fries and a beer! I made decent bank, but being forced to line dance periodically during every shift was almost too much for me to bear. Mainly, because no one really wanted to teach me how to actually do the dances.

 

Career Highlights:

 

• Being arrested for trespassing with one of my co workers.

 

• Being a social outcast.

 

• Being banned from the company for being “below average”.

 

Growing Family Portraits

 

Selling baby pictures in Atlantic City seems like a risky business venture because…well…it is. The streets of Atlantic City are not meant for little blonde girls who don’t carry guns or drink alcohol on a regular basis. I made a lot of money, and mismanaged every dollar. The job lasted two months.

 

Career Highlights:

 

• Spilling Corona on my company laptop.

 

• Being stuck at a customer’s house for over SIX hours as she analyzed EVERY picture  of her son. Apparently, he was a miracle baby because she was not supposed to be able to have children. The only miracle will be if that child doesn’t end up hating his mom so much that he becomes a serial killer.

 

• Trying to sell pictures of one mom’s baby who was cross eyed and screaming in EVERY picture. 

 

Apple-bees

 

 Two weeks of training, two free meals, and a hundred dollar paycheck. Then I quit before I even worked one real shift.

 

Career Highlights:

 

• That burger and onion peels was YUMMY!

 

 

 

Peebles

 

Meaningless retail job with the most hideous over priced clothes I’ve seen since Dress Barn.

 

Career Highlights:

 

• Being complimented on my adorable outfit from random old lady.

 

Cheeseburger in Paradise

 

Where do I begin? I’ve slung cheeseburgers at this place for a hot minute. I’ve met some cool peeps here, no lie. And while serving has been the bain of my existence since I was old enough to drive I’ve had some good times in that place. I wish I could tell you all the crazy things I’ve done at this job, but technically I’m still employed there so for now I must keep my mouth shut.

 

 

Career Highlights:

 

• Vannak’s (co-worker) parties complete with kegs and walk of shame the next morning on one of the coldest days of the year.

 

• Shaking my hips in an awkward fashion every time we sang the birthday song to a table.

 

• Nikki’s sex stories.

 

• Shay dropping it like it was on fire every shift.

 

• Meeting Brandi, and being given the celeb couple nickname “Brem” because of our bff-ness.

 

• Goin’ clubbn’ with the whole crew, and my L-izzle for rizzle my shizzle.

 

* I’d love to say more, but can’t at this time.

 

 

And there you have it. My “career” up until today. BTW…I’m currently looking for a job. Contact me if your looking for bright new employees!

Poor guy seeks love.

Dear Emmy,

Is it really possible for a poor guy to find a true love? 

Yours,

Mr. Nice Guy

 

Hi Nice Guy,

Firstly, your question can be taken two ways. I will address both possibilities. I think your are asking if a “nice” guy can find true love. Every one’s heard the saying “Nice guys finish last” uttered by many guys. I’ve also heard many girl lament over the fact that they cannot  find a “nice guy”. Let’s be real though, nice is boring. There are plenty of “nice” people out in the world, and I’m sure they can all find a way to interact with each other. What’s really hard is finding someone you have a real connection with, and that person not ending up being insane, an asshole, or if your lucky (like me) a combination of the two. The point is, that whether the nicest person in the world, or Hitler’s second cousin you are capable of finding love. People step in shit all the time. You never know who you could meet on this crazy planet we call Earth. Basically, keep an open mind, but in the mean time keep doin’ your thang. And remember love always punches you in the face when you least expect it.

PS- If your question meant “poor” in a lack of finances sort of way then the answer is yes. Women get suckered into relationships with men who can’t afford to buy them a double cheeseburger on the dollar menu all the time. I’ve dated broke guys, my friends, have dated broke guys,  and my mother married broke guys. Women will put up with almost anything for a variety of reasons. Being broke doesn’t help, but it’s never been the singular cause of any of my break-ups or any body’s break-up that I have ever known. It’s when broke-ness is combined with asshole-ness that bitches get dumped, and subsequently lose out on finding love.

“Hello, I’m Emily and I’ll somewhat be taking care of you today”…

As someone who has been waiting tables for a WHILE I have lost that lovin’ feeling when it comes to the restaurant business. Of course, I guess you could say I always hated being a “food bitch” for the American public.

Recently, I noticed that waitresses who have only been employed with the company (that I work for) for a couple weeks were already training new employees. Despite the fact that I have been working for the company for over two years I was not asked to train new employees. Instead, my superiors trusted the waitresses who still ask questions during their shift to train new servers.

 

 When I asked if I could train new employees my managers and fellow employees responded with a “NO!” in unison.

 

 Hey man, that’s cool. I guess everyone’s worried that I’d say something inappropriate to the trainees, but they’re wrong! In fact, I created a sample of how I would train new waitresses/waiters at my job. And now I give you…..

 

 

So You Want to be a Waitress….

 

Lesson # 1

Get out while you still can: Listen, its not to late to run. You can still walk out the door, and never look back. Before you get addicted to the instant cash, and before people are able to strip you of your dignity all because you forgot their side of coleslaw. Before you this place makes you wish you were never born, and you sell your soul to company that wouldn’t care if your best friend and dog died on the same day. If you decide to walk out that door, not only will I not blame you, but I will come up with one hell of an alibi.

 

 

Lesson #2

Be prepared to put on a happy face no matter what!: This is the deal. The general public does not care about you. They are hungry, and they want service with a smile. Your smile doesn’t need to be sincere, but present it must be. So imagine that every customer has the phrase “Why so serious?” plastered on their forehead. This means that whether your depressed, your gerbil died in an unforeseen accident, or you just don’t want to live anymore the general public does not give a shit. As server it is now your responsibility to provide people with a false sense of security, and that means service with a smile. *Pukes*

 

Lesson #3

Details are for suckers who don’t know how to manage their time: So your customer wants a lemon in their water? Pssh. They’ll have to ask for that lemon. Furthermore, they’ll have to ask what “Today’s Special” is. As a server my time is precious. This isn’t the Ritz, and you get what you pay for. If you got a meal for 8 bucks you should be thrilled your food arrived without razor blades in it, and in a timely manner. I won’t play “Miss Cleo” (Former faux Jamaican psychic) with the customers. Got a question? Want some mayonnaise? Grow a pair and ask for it.

 

Lesson # 4

Sidework is for people without social lives: Every server is stuck with the daunting task of painstaking sidework that takes forever, and makes you miss last call at the bar. Fuck that. There’s way to get around extra work. Figure it out.

 

Lesson #5

People act like every meal is their last: Be prepared to be sat with some fat slob who acts like they just got out of Auschwitz. “I’m so starving” has been uttered by people who could probably feed a small country with the fat of their fore arm.

 

Quick Fix Solutions to Restaurant Bullshit:

 

The problem: Inconsiderate jerk keeps sucking down sodas which causes you to run a marathon in order to keep up with their refills.

The solution: When someone is sucking their soda faster down faster than Jenna Jameson hopped up on aderhol they don’t get another refill until the almost the end of their meal. Sucky McSuck will have a better chance of getting a drink in a desert than from yours truly.

 

The Problem: You forgot to put the food order in for a table. Customers are pissed.

The Solution: Blame everyone, but yourself. Blame the cooks, the manager, the girl in the section next to you. Hell, blame God if you have to, but you are never to blame. People just want to assign blame to something or someone. Give them someone to blame other than you, and you’ll still get a tip.

 

The Problem: You hate waiting tables. You now hate people, but are stuck in this shit hole of a job (that will never get better by the way) because your in debt up to your ass, and your addicted to the money.

The Solution: Drinking a lot, winning the lottery, inheriting money from a newly deceased rich relative, and going to college and graduating in a degree that doesn’t end in “art” , “film”, or “design”.

 

With all my restaurant knowledge I can’t believe my superiors won’t let me train anyone. Oh well, I can still refer the new employees to my website.

What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more.

During an impromptu lunch at Red Lobster my co-workers and I discussed the impromptu topic of love. Our conversation got me thinking….what is love? According to movies love is never having to say your sorry, and holding someone’s hand until you freeze to death in the Atlantic Ocean. If my experiences with the elusive four letter word have taught me anything it’s that everybody has they’re own definition of “love”.

So thats why one torturous Saturday at work (I waitress) I decided to take a break from being a star employee and ask my co-workers what they thought relationship “love” was in one sentence.

The results were not scientific, but they were caused the motor wheels in my brain to turn a little. 

The Question: What is love to you?

The Answers:

Herbert “HB”: When you can stand being around someone for more than 10 minutes.

Nina: When you can trust them someone and respect them, and you will go the extra mile for them.

Angie: Love is unconditional.

Vannak: When you can’t eat, shit , or sleep without them.

Karly: Loving someone despite their flaws and fucking imperfect they are.

Casey: Love is being with someone and knowing that no matter what else is going on being with them is all that matters. And really, really good sex.

Amanda: I’m not sure I believe in love.

Shannon: Love is a “Mutual Addiction”.

Chris: The ultimate test of tolerance.

Sara: Not being afraid to be yourself around someone.

Tony: When you have a kid.

I work with many more people than are listed here, but unforuntely I did not get to ask everyone the question because eventually I had to get back to waiting tables. Bummer.

However, many of my co-workers had to really think about what love was to them. Maybe that’s because it’s a general question, or maybe it’s because it’s a question that people aren’t directly asked on the regular.

Countless books, movies, and songs are written about it, people live and die for it, and a gillion internet dating sites are devoted to the hope of finding it. 

Thanks to Michael Bolton we know what happens “When a Man Loves a Woman”, and Adam Sandler’s “Somebody Kill Me Please” via the movie “The Wedding Singer” sums up the suicidal feelings that tend to come along with the harsh sting of heartbreak. And who knew Kanye West was such a little bitch when it came to heartbreak?!?!

We know what when some is just not that into us. Fuck, there’s a movie AND a book dedicated to the notion that there’s a good chance that most of the people we date don’t give a shit if we live or die.

Then you have the movie “The Notebook” which encompasses every 14 year old girl’s dream. Two star-crossed lovers who probaly don’t even know each others middle names deciding to “make it honest” after facing a minimal amount of challenges. 

Let me just point out a couple of things about “The Notebook” that are NOT true to life:

First, in real life that guy never woulda worked up the motivation to rebuild that house for her. Did you see that house?!?! That overgrown shack was all but burned to the ground! I find it quite suspect that he managed to rebuild that mess by HIMSELF. In real life he would’ve accepted defeat, and planted himself in front of the Playboy channel with a six pack, and a bowl of chips.

Second, after Allie got engaged to money bags she wouldn’t have thought twice about her broke ex-boyfriend. Take it from somebody whose dated a whole lot of broke. While dating a winner I never sat back and thought “Gee, I wonder what that bum is up to….”

Third, the only realistic part of the movie is the fact that Allie doens’t like Noah in the begining, but ends up dating him anyway since he chases her down like a rabid street hound would chase a steak tied to a stick.

However, this does not stop me from getting drunk and watching “The Notebook on a regular basis.

Why? Because despite popular belief I want to believe in the idea of “love”. 

In conclusion, love can be a haneous bitch goddess from the planet “fuck you”. On the other love can be everything my co-workers described, and maybe whole lot more.

In the meantime, I’ll keep reading countless self-help books related to the topics of dating and relationships, listening to light FM, and rewinding that last scene in Titanic where Rose is supposed to “Never let go.”