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Five Ways to Torture Your Boyfriend with a Movie You Probably Love.

Let’s play a game called “Emily’s had 2 glasses of wine, and she’s feeling sassy”. That being said, I want to address a movie which has made my life harder as a girl.

The Notebook.

Spare me, the extra energy of having to write a synopsis of The Notebook. Almost everybody, and their mother has been forced to watch this movie. If you don’t know what the movie is about then you can do something that starts with a “Goo” and ends with an “gle”.

Chock full of mushy gushy crap this movie had me at hello. “The Notebook” will be the movie that all girls force the boyfriends to watch for the rest of eternity.

Girls want to believe that their boyfriends will be as faithful, and persistent as Noah (main character), and even if they don’t have a lot of money they can build you a huge house out of matchsticks, and then you can have your own room where you paint and eat pancakes all day.

To which I say, “yeah, yeah, go fuck yourself”.

However, I am a girl. I was totally born with a uterus and other girl parts. So of course, I’ve watched “The notebook” a ga-gillion times, and internally sighed as I wondered if I would ever meet someone who didn’t suck.

It should be noted, that I almost always watch this movie when I’m wasted. My brother has walked in on me on more than one occasion while I’ve been stuffing my wasted in face with greasy food and watching The Notebook.

And so because I think that movie is bullshit wrapped in a neat package with a pretty bow. And because I find it quite funny when boys are forced to watch this movie in an effort to get laid. And so, I give you….

Five Ways to Torture Your Boyfriend with “The Notebook”:

5. Love is so great, until some asshole rips your heart out and feeds it to the neighborhood dog. Remember when Noah was like “Oh I’m to poor for you. The social pressure is too much, wahhhh!”, and then he dumped Allie, and she cried over his dumb ass for a year? That was some real ass shit. That’s how love is, minus the over the top reunion on a rowboat. During this part of the movie, start crying and and angrily tell your boyfriend that if he ever ends your relationship abruptly then he better start preparing to face your wrath.

4. While watching this movie you have a huge oppurtunity to force premature commitment on your significant other. Every time something even slightly romantic happens squeal “AWWWWW!” Then give him the googly eyes and propose marriage.

3. Two words. Senior Citizens. Rarely has a movie combined the four letter word known as “love” with so many wrinkles. I usually fast forward the parts that show Allie and Noah in their golden years. But, hey I guess old people have feelings too. Cra–zzzzzy. Every time, the “old” version of the couple appears on screen tell your boyfriend how you can’t wait to age gracefully with him.

2. So when are you gonna build me a dream home like Super-Noah? Badger your boyfriend as to why he hasn’t built you a big white house with blue shutters. Demand accommodations, and let him know that real love always comes in the form of blood, sweat, and tears.

1. Be kind, rewind . Force your boyfriend to watch the movie over and over again until his ears and eyes start to bleed.

Obviously, if you like your boyfriend you’ll only do half of the suggestions on the list.

But if your looking to dump some extra baggage (aka the someone formally known as special)or if your boyfriend has an excellent sense of humor and has recently has received a back alley lobotomy  then enjoy using the list to test the boundaries of your relationship!

Ok, my sleeping pills are starting to kick in. Sassy time is over and sleepy time is now in full effect.

When I was a kid…

I hate to sound like a grandma here, but when I was a young girl….we didn’t have texting, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, or the IPhone. And if you had a cell phone you were damn lucky or rich. As a teenager I wasn’t constantly connected to the outside world. Moreover, the nature of romantic relationships my peers engaged in were not solidified by a “status” on a social networking website.

When I was a kid there was one family computer that everyone shared. There were a few exciting things you could do online. Send emails, send e-cards, or go on Ebay.

If my friend’s wanted to get a hold of me they called my house phone, and asked my parents to speak to me. If I wasn’t home then they couldn’t find me. There was no Facebook or Twitter status to establish my whereabouts. No cell phone number where I could be reached. The communication train started and ended with my home telephone.

Almost every time I log into my Facebook account I see people on my friends list who change their relationship status like underwear, and status updates that let me know all the little details of their love life.

Let’s put it this way,  I know too much about your relationship, marriage, fuck-buddy, and/or random hook up. I know how destroyed you are over that guy who dumped you last week. I know how much you hate being single. I know how pissed you are at your boyfriend right now. I know these things because you told me via the Facebook.

Growing up my friends and family knew what was going on in my life because I did something wild and crazy…I told them face to face. There was no middle man. When my high school boyfriend broke up with me my friends found out because they saw me blubbering like an idiot in the cafeteria NOT because my relationship status changed on my Facebook page.

I love most of the new technology available to us today. I especially love my Ipod touch with all my heart and soul. However, sometimes I miss the days where status, and friends weren’t defined by social networking sites. Back in my day you knew who gave a shit about your life because they took the time walk right up to you, and ask what was up.

Bitch, We’re From The Same Damn Planet.

Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, Why Men Marry Bitches, Why Men Marry Bitches, The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains how Men Think, Date, and Mate.-And What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top all of these books have one thing in common. They are geared towards recognizing the differences in men and women in the world of dating. The basic message in all of these books are that men are women are different. Each book states in no uncertain terms that men want excitement and to feel that “spark” with someone, and that women just want to feel secure. Therefore, according to these books women have to keep their emotions at bay no matter what. Since men want to feel “excitement” we’re expected to keep them on their toes. God forbid, a man get a little “bored”. After all, this is a species that can be entertained by watching a group of men toss a ball back and forth on a large field. As women, we have to think of new and sophisticated ways to out smart a man, and keep him on the edge of  his seat in the relationship.

Now I would like to say something that is just not said enough when it comes what women want in relationships. It’s not just men who want to feel a spark, or a connection. It’s not just men who want to have great sex. And it’s not just men who want their ego pumped. Yeah, there are some key differences between men and women. But when it comes to the important stuff…I.E. attraction, connection, chemistry, companionship, and sex we all want the same shit. Women don’t want to settle down with just any old asshole. They want someone they can get excited about too. I’m tired of hearing and reading about what men want in a relationship. I want the exact same things a man wants in a significant other. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? I think not. Bitch, we’re from the same damn planet.

Here are my responses to the following dating and relationship books:

He’s Just Not that Into Me? Good, because I’ve blew off, disappeared, refused to commit to, denied the sanctity of marriage, and not called a few guys who would’ve done anything to keep me around. Here’s a thought: Fuck him! He was a loser anyway.

The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains how Men Think, Date, and Mate.-And What Women Can Do to Come Out  *Eye roll* I’m waiting for the day that I walk into a book store and see more than one man in the self help section beating their head up against a wall trying figure out what a women wants. When that day happens life will officially be fair.

Why Men Love Bitches? Men love anything which requires them to think less, and act more. No one wants to date an over emotional, blubbering mess. Guys would rather have a girl who has a backbone. Mystery solved. Here’s an idea for a book…Why Women Love Guys with Good Jobs and Hot Bodies. Now that’s a book we could all benefit from.

Okay so wanna know how women are REALLY different from men? The main difference between a man and a women is that a man MUST be attracted to the women. If the woman does not appear attractive to the man initially she will never appear attractive to him. That’s right ladies, no matter how much make up you wear, or how many pounds you drop if he doesn’t find you attractive in the beginning he never will. Whereas, a women can become attracted to man who she didn’t not initially find attractive. Maybe he’s smart or funny and the woman recognizes those qualities and develops an attraction. A man does not care how funny or bright you are…unless he finds you to be a couple steps above fuckable. Then he gives a shit.

NOBODY likes the following when it comes to relationships:

Neediness

Overly emotional behavior

Dependence

Weak backbone

Nag

Pseudo parental behavior

Boredom

We ALL want:

Sex (Yeah it’s at the top of my list, so what?)

Love (Ok, we can’t deny…it can be one of the best feelings in the world.)

Excitement (Looking forward to seeing that person you call your significant other helps..otherwise they’re not so significant)

Connection (Hey, we all want to feel understood by our special somebody)

The second Key Difference in women and men is that a woman will put up will bullshit longer. Taking shit from asshole’s is in our DNA as women. We’ll let you drive us to the edge right before we decide to say “fuck it” and jump off a cliff.

What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more.

During an impromptu lunch at Red Lobster my co-workers and I discussed the impromptu topic of love. Our conversation got me thinking….what is love? According to movies love is never having to say your sorry, and holding someone’s hand until you freeze to death in the Atlantic Ocean. If my experiences with the elusive four letter word have taught me anything it’s that everybody has they’re own definition of “love”.

So thats why one torturous Saturday at work (I waitress) I decided to take a break from being a star employee and ask my co-workers what they thought relationship “love” was in one sentence.

The results were not scientific, but they were caused the motor wheels in my brain to turn a little. 

The Question: What is love to you?

The Answers:

Herbert “HB”: When you can stand being around someone for more than 10 minutes.

Nina: When you can trust them someone and respect them, and you will go the extra mile for them.

Angie: Love is unconditional.

Vannak: When you can’t eat, shit , or sleep without them.

Karly: Loving someone despite their flaws and fucking imperfect they are.

Casey: Love is being with someone and knowing that no matter what else is going on being with them is all that matters. And really, really good sex.

Amanda: I’m not sure I believe in love.

Shannon: Love is a “Mutual Addiction”.

Chris: The ultimate test of tolerance.

Sara: Not being afraid to be yourself around someone.

Tony: When you have a kid.

I work with many more people than are listed here, but unforuntely I did not get to ask everyone the question because eventually I had to get back to waiting tables. Bummer.

However, many of my co-workers had to really think about what love was to them. Maybe that’s because it’s a general question, or maybe it’s because it’s a question that people aren’t directly asked on the regular.

Countless books, movies, and songs are written about it, people live and die for it, and a gillion internet dating sites are devoted to the hope of finding it. 

Thanks to Michael Bolton we know what happens “When a Man Loves a Woman”, and Adam Sandler’s “Somebody Kill Me Please” via the movie “The Wedding Singer” sums up the suicidal feelings that tend to come along with the harsh sting of heartbreak. And who knew Kanye West was such a little bitch when it came to heartbreak?!?!

We know what when some is just not that into us. Fuck, there’s a movie AND a book dedicated to the notion that there’s a good chance that most of the people we date don’t give a shit if we live or die.

Then you have the movie “The Notebook” which encompasses every 14 year old girl’s dream. Two star-crossed lovers who probaly don’t even know each others middle names deciding to “make it honest” after facing a minimal amount of challenges. 

Let me just point out a couple of things about “The Notebook” that are NOT true to life:

First, in real life that guy never woulda worked up the motivation to rebuild that house for her. Did you see that house?!?! That overgrown shack was all but burned to the ground! I find it quite suspect that he managed to rebuild that mess by HIMSELF. In real life he would’ve accepted defeat, and planted himself in front of the Playboy channel with a six pack, and a bowl of chips.

Second, after Allie got engaged to money bags she wouldn’t have thought twice about her broke ex-boyfriend. Take it from somebody whose dated a whole lot of broke. While dating a winner I never sat back and thought “Gee, I wonder what that bum is up to….”

Third, the only realistic part of the movie is the fact that Allie doens’t like Noah in the begining, but ends up dating him anyway since he chases her down like a rabid street hound would chase a steak tied to a stick.

However, this does not stop me from getting drunk and watching “The Notebook on a regular basis.

Why? Because despite popular belief I want to believe in the idea of “love”. 

In conclusion, love can be a haneous bitch goddess from the planet “fuck you”. On the other love can be everything my co-workers described, and maybe whole lot more.

In the meantime, I’ll keep reading countless self-help books related to the topics of dating and relationships, listening to light FM, and rewinding that last scene in Titanic where Rose is supposed to “Never let go.”